Muffin’s Funnies! #40

Hi, hi and a big meow to all my readers! 😻 I hope you having nice Monday day. It sorta nice here, cloudy, kinda windy and warm. It is 54F (12C) already today and might even get couple more degrees warmer. Then tomorrow it get colder again. My human has been sick lots of days, 10 of them. He think probably he have flu, not cold. Anyway, today he feeling good again, except still coughing a bit. I not like when he cough. It very loud and hurt my ears. 🙀 Sound like he yelling or something. Anyway, here is some funnies for today! 😺

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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?”

The student replied, “Big ones.”

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When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, “My son is a lawyer.”

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.

“Only to mow my lawn.”

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Customer on phone: “We need to order some four-by-twos.”

Lumber clerk: “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

Customer: “Let me check …” <silence> “… Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

Clerk: “All right. How long do you need them?”

Customer: “I’d better go check …” <silence> “… A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

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A thief almost got away with stealing several famous paintings!

He managed to smuggle the artwork past security, but was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas.

When a reporter asked how he could mastermind such a crime and yet make such an obvious error, he replied:

“Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)

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I walked into doctor’s office and said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”

The doctor replied, “Well, don’t go to those places any more.”

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I have a million-dollar figure — but it’s all loose change.

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Heard a rumor about peanut butter, but I don’t want to spread it.

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Well, that all for this Monday, I really hope you all have nicest day!

Muffin. 😽 ©2025 Muffin McLeod.